I Graduate

Before I start each time I wrote something that will be marked with a date. Some may be days side by side, others I do not know. I am uncertain if I will post this. If I do, well, yeah. This I guess is a document leading up to my College Graduation and my day of Graduation.

Also with a serious picture as the featured image.

May 5, 2016

A few minutes ago it sort of occurred to me. I am not sure why, but I am just thinking back towards the end of High School. I was worried. Back then I knew I would be going to a new school. But that was not what I was worried about. It was leaving my friends.

I guess I am finally getting that feeling again, that worry, that uncertainty. Writing obviously helps. For once I also want to document the process as it happens. Maybe next time when I feel this way, or maybe even if someone else is and maybe then this could be of some help. I do not know.

That feeling this time is that change and knowing it is coming. It is rather odd, change can happen without warning, but when it is known to happen, it is just weird. I am going to be done with school. Yes I am still uncertain if I will go to Graduate School, even then it would not be for another year. Yet, for as long as I remember I always been in school my 23 years of life.

I know all things must come to an end. It just feels weird knowing that maybe in a few weeks’ time when graduation happens or maybe sometime this summer, which change will happen. I no longer will be going to school.

It is weird thinking that. I will hopefully have a job. But it is the idea of getting a job makes me feel like I am not ready. To date I have only had one, working in a factory. But I am talking about a job in my career path, writing. Already, be it with my novel or whatever day of the week blog post, I worry if my writing is good enough? People may say good things about it, but I always have that self-doubt.

It is really do to that self-doubt that makes me feel like I am not ready.

My job search has barely happen, mostly since I been busy with school projects. Going back to the I think ahead 6 months, I am still in a rather similar situation. Granted I am busier with school, I finished writing my book and currently looking for agents. But the job search is still uncertain.

A part of that self-doubt is not knowing if I am good enough for the job.

Yet on fear is not having a job in my career. I remember back in Philosophy class freshmen year. Sometimes if you do your best to avoid the fear that fear still will happen. So although I fear not having a job in my career if I do nothing then I will have to have a job not in my career. Thus it happens.

But, next week is the last week of classes. I hardly have papers left, just 3. This weekend I hope to get my job search done.

Writing this helped calm the worry.

May 19, 2016

So, where to begin. It is 8:11 am, I thought I had a final exam, but I read the schedule wrong so I am at school 2 hours early with hardly any sleep because I just could not get to sleep. My computer I been waiting months for was built the night before. The mouse on it has a light and well, I did not know how to turn it off last night. I need absolute darkness to sleep and with the mouse lighting up my small room, it was tricky. So yeah heads up for a whatever might happen.

At the same time for this post in general, I did want to write more. But like most things I got busy with school papers and school work and may have forgotten to add to this when I actually had something to say.

Graduation is two days away however it still has not set in. I am not sure why. To me it feels like any other day at University.

That last four years have been a little weird. Freshman year I had a friend from high school with me. However after a semester, switching his major several times, he dropped out to go to a different school. This left me alone. Every time since then if I tried to form a connection with someone it never worked out. Once classes ended we would not talk or see each other. So I isolated myself after trying for two semesters. But there were times when I became close to forming a bond, but they always crumbled before they could fully form.

Most of my days were spent at home watching anime. Which really explains why the last four years I seen over 130 days’ worth. But I wrote a lot. It was different from normal. In high school after the day ended I would go home in my corner of my room and write for hours. But that was a single story.

The past few years I wrote things for Deviantart, well that did not work out. All those stories in total probably add up to maybe 300 or 400 pages of word documents in just three years. But novels I had well, 5 that were completed with over 170 pages. My novel that is the rewrite for publication is at over 100k words and 240 full pages I think. All the writing is also not counting the nearly 300 blog posts or stories that I have 50 or more pages that I just started for a short break. So much writing. If anime took up 130 days of the last 4 years then writing probably took a majority of the rest.

That pretty much sums up the last four years sort of. I mean the last year I was worried I was getting out of anime. Now, not really. Between being busy with school there really was just nothing good. This current season made me realize that since I am really enjoying it.

Alright I got side tracked. As for school, it is really hard to say exactly what happened. Most days I just dragged my feet to class, did the things, then went home. I did learn things don’t get me wrong. But school is also about the social aspect, which I did not really get.

Since the last time I wrote I did not really get a chance to look for a job, luckily I confirmed that my parents are giving me time to search because my lack of time due to the insane amount of papers I had to do. But there is something else. There is always something else.

I always had been alone, sort of. Time and time again I know the bonds I make on Twitter and here will not last forever. In a moment’s notice all it takes is the blogger to stop blogging or the twitter person not being around. It is very unstable. But even though I am confident in the relationships I am building. I still do not know what it means to build an in person relationship. It is easy online to find a group of people who share your interests. In person that is harder. Whenever I do enter a job no matter how much I click on that “time to work” part of me to socialize with coworkers, I am uncertain if I could form a bond.

alone at last — Sometimes it was nice to be alone though.

The last few years have made me realize that, it also affects my writing. The characters have always started off alone. But they grow unbreakable bonds over time.

I guess what I am getting at is although school is coming to an end, I did not do what I was hoping to do in the last four years. Find friends I can talk to in person. Be more social. A part of me is alright with that. But I still do not know if that fully is the reason why I still am unable to feel like it is the end.

I am uncertain if I will write tomorrow. I hope to write again on Graduation. But even then I won’t know if I will be able to realize it, even though it is happening.

May 21, 2016: Day of Graduation

Graduation passed. Well, it is weird to think it is now over. I mean I sort of feel more in shock that my comic book store I tend to visit is closing tomorrow. It is just weird thinking that college is over, yet something else that is coming to an end feels more of a toll on me.

At the same time though I am not sure how to put this.

Well, there was some un-expectancies. I was the first of over 500 students to receive their diploma. I do not like going first, since I am easily confused, and was pretty terrified. It was really forced on me. I don’t even remember getting my picture taken as they handed the diploma to me. But according to my parents, it was terror. I won’t know until they send it in the mail.

The card lied.

https://twitter.com/josefcd904/status/734006267296026624

As a whole though, today was weird. I think I honestly have yet to realize that come the fall I won’t be returning. A place that has been part of me for four years is now done.

Perhaps the comic store only had more of an impact because I had been going for six years. It gave me my hobby of collecting comics. Although I stopped because I hardly read any I was buying any more, it was still a major part to me.

I graduated about 8 hours ago. Maybe it hasn’t settled in due to eating a late lunch, playing games, and cleaning everything for my party tomorrow. I am really unsure.

I do think I will do one more part, just in can something comes to me.

my face and stuff — Look a rare picture of me for my blog and not twitter for once.

May 22,2016

I had a party where family came over. It was rather nice. Hearing them all congratulate me. At the same time hearing my uncles and dad say I am the first in the family to get their Bachelor’s Degree. It is starting to settle in, sort of. It is still weird to think that this chapter of my life has now come to a close. I am not really sure what to say other than that.

I have received a lot of congratulations from people on Twitter. Some were fellow bloggers; others were just random followers. Regardless to each and every one of you thank you for the support and cheers.