I look to the past, but also think about the future

As of the time of posting this at, 4:41 pm est, on December 8, 2018, marks the date and time of the first blog post here four years ago. A lot has happened in four years. I know last year I did the five hundredth post where I looked back on my favorite posts in that time. I wanted to do something different, each year I have done something differently. The first was a post dedicated to the people I met and my thoughts on that year, as well as a re-review of the first show I reviewed here. The second year was certainly a little less spectacular, as more of just a general thanks to everyone for those two years. The past month I was thinking of what exactly to do for this. It is an awkward year. Next year marks five, and well, whatever I have planned for that certainly needs to be rather spectacular. So, it certainly has been awhile since I did a reflective and personal post, and given what today marks, it feels like this would be a great time to start doing that.

Before I begin this long reflection of these past four years and my hopes for the years to come, I absolutely mean it when I say thank you. It doesn’t matter how long you followed me or even if you do not read every post. Reading comments, getting feedback, and everything that I do here gives me motivation to continue this. It is thanks to everyone that I have been doing this for four years now. So, while I probably will say this again at the end, thank you, everyone for the last four years.

Year 1:

I still have to say the funniest thing about my blogging experience had to have been when I started. I honestly thought that no one has an anime blog. Of course, I was not one to go out and look for blogs. I only really watched anime and YouTube and was in the middle of juggling classes and writing my book. I never really looked online for blogs before. So, being naïve I thought in this whole world no one really has created an anime blog and I would be a huge success. But, after I started I quickly learned I was not alone.

 

Now, at this point, my blog has been there for me through some tough times. But when I first started off, I was a Junior in college. After high school, while one of my friends did go to my school only to switch out. I never really took the opportunity to make friends outside of class. Sure, I tried clubs and going to activities. But dealing with social anxiety and being naturally shy, even later on trying to go to places and sharing similar interests with people made me feel like I did not belong.

It was sort of like that here too at the start, my nervousness on some subjects did reflect on some of the topics I focused on here in the first few months blogging. I was alone at the start of blogging here, but, while there are certainly a handful of people on here, and I know some are no longer blogging or on Twitter, I still view them as my friend. The impact they made on me certainly helped me out and still help me from feeling truly alone. It was that first year blogging that allowed me to experience that, and I am still grateful for it.

Year 2:

Year two was certainly odd. Year three being odder, but, more on that year in a bit. I say it is odd because it is not as rememberable as the first year. I was juggling a lot at the time too. I graduated from college, I started to look for a full-time job and graduate school, I began trying to publish my book, and I was able to become a substitute teacher. A lot happened, and well, while the impact and consequences of doing these was not felt until the following year. I was positive, I wanted to keep aiming for my goals.

As for the blog, I was coming up with more types of posts to do, granted this was also the year when a lot of these posts stopped, and I do wish to continue doing some, mostly the Top 5s. It was the first series of posts here, and I do wish to continue doing them. It was this year where a lot of posts changed in style. I was more experienced and wanted to change my style of how I do things here.

I think this was the year where anime was starting to become a bit of a struggle to start watching. I started to analyze it for posts or gain ideas for posts watching it. It might also be due to a lot of anime starting to feel similar, fall into tropes, and honestly after seeing over four hundred different series I needed to find new shows that excited me and did something different. More than anything that was what I was looking for.

The year was sort of ending on that note. Posts became a bit more sporadic, mostly due to juggling several weekly reviews and trying to get applications for graduate schools out. While starting, what is still an issue, paying off college loans.

Year 3:

Otherwise known as my depressing year where things turn darker than a movie for the DC Universe.

After trying again and again for job applications, graduate school applications, and even literary agents, I hit an all-time low. While I would like to think it was not depression, it highly likely was depression. I will always say this, but I never will be suicidal. Suicide is a lifetime solution for a short time problem.

My dreams were broken, years of working on my book and I constantly got rejected for it from publishers. It effects are still lasting now. But I have improved. It took me almost a year to start writing fiction again. To enjoy it again. Sure, I have not tried to publish my book again, considering I got a rejection after a day the time I did try this year. But, I came out stronger. I found that passion again and know of how to improve. My naïve nature when I first tried to publish has faded. While it will be sometime until I try publishing again, I know this time I am ready and it will be making that dream a reality.

As for job applications and constantly getting rejected, I had to push forward on those. I am only now getting at least responses saying how they filled the position. So, never hearing back is starting to fade. Graduate school applications, I decided to take a break on, I got rejected two years in a row, and seeing they get 1000s of applications and can only accept a handful of students, I feel like I have a better opportunity rolling in a gacha and getting a decent pull and winning the lottery that same day. But, I haven’t given up, just taking a break, seeing college loans are still the major source of stress. I am also aiming to be a teacher too.

Now, I know I kind of glossed over the depressing aspects, since I then covered the good things that happened this past year and the outcomes of said depressing aspects. But it was due to these events that really hit my blog hard in terms of posting content, one that I feel I still struggle with recovering from. I honestly thought that the third year would have been the last at times. I mean, I also partially blame Twin Star Exorcists, since I covered that and several other shows throughout the year and then never had any sort of experience like that on this site since for generating multiple posts weekly since. But, it is also the depression thing that even makes it harder to watch anime somedays. My stress makes me more focused on finding a job and watching anime and writing, once my go to means to escape stress, made me only worry more and question if I could be doing something else. Granted now I play a lot of video games to forget the stress, which is honestly annoying me more since it is preventing me from writing and watching anime, but still.

Let me end my thoughts on this year by stating: Depression sucks.

This Year:

Pretty much life situational stuff that happened this year was just summed up. But, I did try doing new things. I found ideas I would like to do here and want to pursue them. The lack of motivation is fading but also feels like it is staying. Again, it is a lasting effect from depression but also my life needing me to change some things around. I am not in as bad of a situation as the previous year, at least mentally. I am starting to write again, enjoy anime again as well. I even found myself reading a lot more too. I tried new things, like building Gundams and playing games with people too.

My blog I thought felt like it was becoming a chore. At least with blog posts that weren’t weekly reviews. Even then depending on the show I did feel that way too, more for getting the post out than watching it. Mostly season one of Index for those bulk reviews. Anyway, like my writing has been able to return and be enjoyable again, I hope this month of blog posts will help reignite the passion I first felt here. The past two years here it felt like I been one a downward slope here. I certainly want to change it. I do not want to end my time here any time soon, which was why I wanted to try to start getting more non-anime related content here. That way, even if I am not into anime as much, I will have something else that can be posted here that people could enjoy.

Thoughts on the Future:

A lot has happened in the last few years. I meet people I could call friends. Blogs I enjoyed have both come and gone. Friends stopped blogging and some while they moved onto other things, others are still around. Things like that, I see won’t change.

I don’t want to think of the inevitable day when I will stop writing here. If anything, I would much rather be on a good note than a bad one. After seeing so many blogs fade to nothing, never to be heard again in my first year, I know no matter what, I don’t want to do it. Good or bad, I don’t want to close this site down or leave without warning. There were so many memories I made here, and I know that, whatever the future holds, I will make more.

Now, I cannot say if I can think about a ten-year anniversary, that is a little too far out of reach. But, I wouldn’t mind seeing something happen that dramatically changes this site. Not so much the content, but what I do here or how it is done. I would not mind seeing this place become so much more than what it is now. But, that is a pipe dream. Granted, how the site is now being once a dream too, and that became a reality.

I hope I can continue for as long as I can. I don’t want to say X year will be my final year. I am glad right now I am in a better place than last year, or even earlier this year. A part of me felt like my time here was numbered, but now, it certainly doesn’t feel that way. Perhaps it is my motivation coming back to me or something else. I do not know. But, I want to see where this place takes me, if it changes, hopefully it is in some good ways.

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Year five starts now. It is thanks to you, the reader, that I am still doing this. Without you, I probably would have stopped at year three. So, thank you, everyone who has been a part of these last four years and those that will be a part of the years to come. And here is to the future and wherever it may take me and this site.

– Joe