Before I begin, I would like to say two brief things. The first, being that on here I never wanted to complain about something personal in a post, so sorry in advance. The other being that I hope I do not complain about something here again.
I am not really sure what to say. This could just be me worrying too much or whatever it is. It could be the fact that after this week school is done for the semester. I am not really sure what I would call this feeling exactly. I am not sure what it is. I do not know if it is depression, helplessness, or hopelessness. It is odd. At the same time writing this it is a week before when it is actually posted. So I do not really know if I will still feel the same way when it goes up. I am sure I will put something right after this sentence that says so. (I feel better now) Either way do not comment until you read everything. I always jump the gun, hopefully you will not.
I just have been thinking a lot lately. With my ADHD and the medication I have been taking, well not being the right dosage I guess, I will not go into more details other than the fact I am getting a little tired and sluggish by the end of the day, which did not happen until a month ago.
I am getting a little side tracked, sorry about that. But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately as I said. Thinking not about my past, such as the past that I have been talking about in some of these posts where they are half a decade or more ago, but recent years since starting college. I did say that this is the last week, well technically when this goes up I only have one more day till I am done with classes. After that I will only have senior year left.
Now, before I go on and people think I am depressed or not and could be worried about me. I would never think about suicide. Typing that last part was hard. But how I look at it, which what a teacher I had back in middle school said, is that it is a life time solution for a short time problem. There is that and being the Christian that I am, I do not want to go to hell. I might not have gone to church since, not sure when the last time it was I just know it might have been elementary school.
Alright hopefully now I am done with the tangents. I should probably mention that writing at times for me can be a little therapeutic so for all I know by the end of writing this I might feel better. Probably should have put that sooner, but oh well.
The more I try talking about what I want to talk about, the more I realize that in this word document I am almost at a full-page of writing stuff with tangent after tangent which even includes this part right here.
I am done now. What I want to get at is I have no idea where I am going with my life. Looking at the last few years, they have been similar at times. I wake up, go to school, work on my book between classes, get home and watch anime. Each time I try to join a club it tends to fail. The times I try to make friends or thought I made friends on campus, well we did not talk to each other after that class or even outside of the classroom. Although I would like to avoid this topic, it is inevitable here. There is also the fact that with every girl I either like or ask out I get rejected and have yet to of even been on a date yet despite being twenty-two years old.
Of course at this point several hours passed since my Spanish Tutor showed up, I got home, ate supper, typed up these few words, and ultimately will stop right now to watch Gintama before hopefully come back to this to talk a little more since I was right and this was therapeutic.
Back to what I was getting at the next day, the last few years as I said have been similar. Now that I give it some thought the last time I really felt like this was over a year ago. I was unsure with the direction I was heading in my life. Writing about it did help. Although I was a little confused and questioned what was going on and what I should do, life seemed to quickly change.
My grandmother passed away that same month. It was due to three types of cancer. Again writing about it did help. The loss of her made me get away from what I was uncertain about. The following month my grandfather passed way, heart attack. It was almost right down to an hour a month after my grandmother passed away. I sort of viewed it that he loved her so much he just wanted to see her again so his heart just broke. I still miss the two very much. It is still weird all this time without them.
The following months evolved me living on my own, at my grandparents place. Someone had to since the insurance was still going on. My older cousins all had places of their own. I being the oldest who does not live on their own, and close by had to live there. It was nice. Weird since it was just me, but I never really felt alone. School if I am alone it bothers me. If I am home alone it does not. It is really weird.
It could be my isolation from people who I can have a conversation with in person. Although I do love having comments, and talking to people on twitter, it is really fun and I like it. Deviantart and Wattpad I do not get that like I do here and twitter, which is why I am stopping with Deviantart since no one comments. Wattpad I am contemplating on doing the same once I complete Volume 1 of Hero Team in Training, which is a more edited and final version compared to the one on Deviantart. I just want feedback to know if I am doing it right or to have a conversation about my story or what people think about it. It makes me worry about my novel I wish to publish.
I got a little side tracked and went to fix one thing and it turned into a whole paragraph, the next one was actually written before that last one.
I think the only thing that is different from this time last year, or any semester so far really comes down to a few things. How I go about liking a girl revolves around liking her mentally over physically. All girls are similar until there is something that clicks that makes me like them. The last few semesters I have found, and been rejected by a girl who this happens with. Last semester after another one of the situations, and easily the worst rejection, I wanted to just not try. I did, since my heart and mind had other plans. Ultimately I asked her out, and easily given the nicest rejection ever when I found out she was a lesbian. I was glad for the change of pace. (This is of course written after the post, but it turns out she is unlucky as well since we are club mates and she says guys keep asking her out even though they know she is a lesbian) This semester I really stuck by on not wanting to try. I would like to, but no girl really made that spark happen. So, perhaps there is where a part of this feeling is coming from. I always try to feel motivated to try to ask them out, I get nervous, my mind is more focused on what could be, this semester that is not there. There is no motivation from that.
Then there is anime, this season is rather odd. Last two really. I normally have one show I really get to look forward to and want to see the second that episode ends. That is sort of why I watch so much in order to give me something to do while I wait for the next big thing that I really want to see, Death Parade I started late and that was really one that I really looked forward to last season. This season has Fairy Tail finally canon again, and Fate Stay Night returns, yet I am not really looking so forward to them like I want to watch the next episode immediately. It is odd. At first anime was a means of enjoyment. Then it became a means to give me away to escape from thinking about what is going on around me and think about how other things can be different in my story. Now it is back to an enjoyment, but even then it is coming a little tricky. It is odd. I want to watch anime, but I am unable to find one where I really look forward to it like I used to that airs on a weekly basis. This might be due to it is still early in the season. Hopefully I will find one midway through. This also might be due to now I am reviewing and posting about anime and it is a major change in how a view anime as a whole now that I write about it.
There is also the fact that as I said my summer job is coming up. At this point, as in this morning it really felt like my mom nailed the final part into my coffin of actually having to work there. The people are nice. I get paid. I do not like how exhausted I feel, the fact I cannot feel like I am going to write, and yet it really gets me distracted from what I really want to do in just general. I either work on the paint line taking the same object off or putting the same object on or I work in shipping which is making boxes or putting the same object into a box. This goes on for eight hours forty hours a week. I wake up at four in the morning and do not get home until after four. Working there really got me to know how my dad does it all. I also know just how much my dad does not want me to end up like how he is. He does a lot more around the house and does a lot at work too. So I will stop there for this subject.
I always view that something happens in April. Something seems to always happen. This year nothing seemed to happen. Change is something that can be odd. The only thing that can never change is the fact that there will be change. For me, when I try to make something change it feels as though I can never make it change. I apply for jobs, but do not get hired due to a lack of experience in retail. Half the time I can never find the courage to ask a girl out, and when I finally do, well I already explained that. Although it is better than getting the news before I ask them out, so the few times I did find the courage where better than the times where I got rejected before doing anything. Change never seems to come when I want to make it. The only thing that seems to change is small things. Sure I could argue that I starting this blog was a rather big one, but I do not know.
Again I am at a moment where I need to stop typing. I will find out either later tonight or even not for a few more days on Monday if there was a change.
It really feels like I am lacking something, be it motivation or something to look forward to.
So, umm, it is now the day prior to scheduling and posting this. In other words four days have passed since working on this. Personally I think it was just that time. So many months of pushing away my emotions just got to me and I got depressed, uncertain, and everything else. It would not be the first time this happened and it certainly will not be the last. Although I will admit what I wrote did hold truth to it. I did find it in a way relaxing and a way to to focus on my thoughts. Posting this I actually am hoping will be better for me, being able to respond to comments I always like be it good feedback or bad, so thank you. Maybe now that I am back to my typical cheery self I can start actually trying to focus on those problems one small step at a time. Sorry if what I wrote bothered anyone. Hopefully this will not happen again.
If you like what you read, well I mean you are probably a sadist since this was me talking about being depressed and if you enjoyed that, well never mind. Anyway I suggest you check out my other posts before you would think to follow me.
– Joe
May 9, 2015 at 9:55 pm
Seems like everyone else has stated what I wanted to say: you are not alone. I’ve been going through the same feels, if not exactly the same experience. But the emotions you were feeling as you were writing this piece down, I assure you they’re not alien to me.
I’m currently in a social hibernation mode. I don’t think I have problems, but myself is problematic. The battle’s just within my mind, but I let it affect my performance. I’ve been absent from school this week, using my thesis as an excuse. Some of my friends have shown concern, but I heartlessly tell them ‘thank you’. I feel bad because there are no feelings behind those supposed words of gratitude. I’m at my worst right now. I don’t even want to treat myself. Sorry for this random stew of my depressing thoughts.
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May 9, 2015 at 10:03 pm
No, that is fine. I mean all things considered this post was all about me. It is fine that you brought yourself up.
But, like you said to me that you are not alone. If you want someone to talk to it is not just your friends at school, but people in the blogging community and twitter are there too. So, if there is anything you want to talk about just send me a private message. Sometimes it is good to talk about things to people. But one reason why I wrote this is that it help clear my mind, it just works that way for me. Posting it helped too, but what ever on that one.
One reason that I was unsure when typing most of this was that feeling of loneliness, just having a person or a few people say that you are not alone was more than enough to cheer me up. So, I am not starting to ramble for something I already said before. But I am here for you, since you said you were here for me.
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May 9, 2015 at 10:13 pm
Thank you. That’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard (read?) these days. 🙂 I agree that writing is therapeutic. I should do that more often.
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May 9, 2015 at 10:15 pm
It was also recently mentioned about that in my Creative Writing class, then again mostly everyone in there is a writing major, so it made sense once you give it some thought. That is if you enjoy writing.
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May 9, 2015 at 10:18 pm
I do enjoy writing, though I’m not that good at it. I blame it on the years I spent not reading any book or writing journals/on a diary. But eh, I can still play catch up, I guess.
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May 9, 2015 at 10:22 pm
Yeah, I guess you could try to play catch up. Then again you write blog posts, so I mean that is writing. But whatever.
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May 7, 2015 at 8:42 am
I get your thought process at the beginning of this post; its kind of like wanting to heal yourself through writing in a state of negativity, yet not really knowing what is really wrong and being unable to pinpoint what exactly is causing that negativity. I do that all the time too just that they actually all remain in draft form and never gets published xD and also coming back to the same post and continuing on on different days based on my mood changes… it all looks familiar to me.
I am not sure how much you’d like getting a comment from a girl who doesn’t really know you that well (I mean, I barely comment much on followers’ blogs because I was busy, but I am trying to do more of that now when I am more free :)), but I just wanted to say don’t stop trying for the romance part, you’ve gotta keep believing! :))
On a sidenote, I also really feel you on what you said about anime; these seasons are good and all but I haven’t really found something that makes me want to really marathon or watch ep after ep or just something I can’t wait for. It kind of feels stagnant sometimes to me (and I know you’ve watched more than me, so I guess its pretty normal!)
Hope you don’t think I am presumptuous or anything..! 🙂 Just my 2 cents 🙂
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May 7, 2015 at 9:06 am
Trust me, what you did say did help. It just worries me sometimes, but since I am back to my cheery self, I am going to try to avoid the relationship topic.
As for the anime thing, I am glad this is not just me where it feels like there is something missing these past two seasons. I was getting worried that I was getting out of anime or this was me putting myself in the blogging state of mind and realizing the shows at their fullest instead of just how I normally went about with them.
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May 7, 2015 at 9:12 am
Glad that you are feeling better ^^ we all have times when we feel like that 🙂
I do also worry that it signifies that I don’t like anime anymore xD but I guess its possible to feel ‘sick’ of anime sometimes despite how much we love it which is why i ensure i have many other different alternatives. Then again, even I exhaust those sometimes so it’s probably a sign i needed to get out and do something different haha!
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May 7, 2015 at 9:16 am
Yeah. I think the only reason I am worrying about that is since I am slowly getting out of reading comics. Manga I have not problem, but I was into comics about a year before I was into anime, so that is why I am a little worried. But I have things to look for this summer, so hopefully there will be a spark there.
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May 7, 2015 at 9:23 am
I see, I actually think manga covers a more diverse range of subject matter and also more good stories than anime, so I think it would make sense to get sick of anime faster than manga. 🙂
That’s great, are you going to blog about those? 🙂
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May 7, 2015 at 9:30 am
I am only blogging, as in reviewing ones I own. Right now I have only done reviews for Fairy Tail, Attack on Titan, and Akame ga Kill Volume 1 for all of them. My full list of manga is under the Collection page. So, if there was any there you would want to see me review, you could comment there. Although with my schedule in place I would not review it for some time. Manga reviews will probably be out more come September, since I won’t have a lot of time to read them working full time this summer.
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May 7, 2015 at 8:10 am
Yeah, man that feeling of uncertainty, stress or pressure can swell up. I remember earlier this year, for no particular reason I was at school and I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of sadness that made me want to cry at school. It took all my strength to hold all of this sadness in till I got home. When I got home I cried for the first time in years, I didn’t understand why because nothing was different that day from the previous day. But I soon realized that the emotions I had been storing inside since my grandfather passed away, from the pressures of exams and assignments built up. I always let things slide and never try to take things to hear, but these things can still affect you. I know what I wrote may not necessarily concern you, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in what you were feeling. I may not have experienced your particular problems, but I understand what uncertainty can feel like.
I also wanted to say you have a lot of courage more so than I do. I guess it is because my lack of self confidence, but the courage you expressed when asking the girls you like out is something that I have lacked the courage to do for a while. Rejection can be hard, and it hurts, but the courage to move forward and past it is something that I am not sure if I can handle. Sorry for making this somewhat about myself I just wanted to write this down.
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May 7, 2015 at 9:02 am
No, it is fine that you made it about yourself. I mean this whole post was about myself. Being able to post it was able to get me to I guess realize all this and made it easier to get over this and try to look on the bright side again.
A lot of times it feels like I am the only one going through these problems, which I know is never true, hearing someone say that they do have these problems, well it really does remind me that I am not alone. So, it might be weird to say this but, thank you for reminding me that.
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May 7, 2015 at 9:04 am
No problem, when I was going through that I would have appreciated someone saying those things to me.
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May 6, 2015 at 9:03 pm
I know the struggle man. I really do feel like I don’t have any friends here at college. And the friends I do make we never talk so they aren’t really friends. I tried to ask this girl out but as I was getting the words out she started talking about her boyfriend. Ouch. Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to find someone. I want to talk to this new girl but I’m afraid of disappointment.
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May 6, 2015 at 9:06 pm
You are not alone on that one, that much is certain. It can definitely be a struggle. But not giving up is good. There has to be someone out there for us.
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May 6, 2015 at 7:11 pm
Wow man. This seemed to be really hard to write.
I can sympathize with you, I have been in a similar place and I know how terrible it can be. Just know that there are a lot of people like me that enjoy your blog and your reviews, and that we are all hoping you find something to be cheerful for. I don’t know if this will help you in any way, but good luck man!
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May 6, 2015 at 7:16 pm
Like I said I do feel better now. I think it might have just been stress and that is what it did. My junior year of college is coming to an end and next year I will be done with school. I am still uncertain and I think it was my minds way of reminding it whether I wanted to or not. But thanks writing this I was able to get my thoughts down and put what I was thinking to words. As a person who writes a lot, writing down something like this was actually calming and helped a lot.
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