sad face

Before I begin, I would like to say two brief things. The first, being that on here I never wanted to complain about something personal in a post, so sorry in advance. The other being that I hope I do not complain about something here again.

I am not really sure what to say. This could just be me worrying too much or whatever it is. It could be the fact that after this week school is done for the semester. I am not really sure what I would call this feeling exactly. I am not sure what it is. I do not know if it is depression, helplessness, or hopelessness. It is odd. At the same time writing this it is a week before when it is actually posted. So I do not really know if I will still feel the same way when it goes up. I am sure I will put something right after this sentence that says so. (I feel better now) Either way do not comment until you read everything. I always jump the gun, hopefully you will not.

I just have been thinking a lot lately. With my ADHD and the medication I have been taking, well not being the right dosage I guess, I will not go into more details other than the fact I am getting a little tired and sluggish by the end of the day, which did not happen until a month ago.

I am getting a little side tracked, sorry about that. But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately as I said. Thinking not about my past, such as the past that I have been talking about in some of these posts where they are half a decade or more ago, but recent years since starting college. I did say that this is the last week, well technically when this goes up I only have one more day till I am done with classes. After that I will only have senior year left.

Now, before I go on and people think I am depressed or not and could be worried about me. I would never think about suicide. Typing that last part was hard. But how I look at it, which what a teacher I had back in middle school said, is that it is a life time solution for a short time problem. There is that and being the Christian that I am, I do not want to go to hell. I might not have gone to church since, not sure when the last time it was I just know it might have been elementary school.

Alright hopefully now I am done with the tangents. I should probably mention that writing at times for me can be a little therapeutic so for all I know by the end of writing this I might feel better. Probably should have put that sooner, but oh well.

The more I try talking about what I want to talk about, the more I realize that in this word document I am almost at a full-page of writing stuff with tangent after tangent which even includes this part right here.

I am done now. What I want to get at is I have no idea where I am going with my life. Looking at the last few years, they have been similar at times. I wake up, go to school, work on my book between classes, get home and watch anime. Each time I try to join a club it tends to fail. The times I try to make friends or thought I made friends on campus, well we did not talk to each other after that class or even outside of the classroom. Although I would like to avoid this topic, it is inevitable here. There is also the fact that with every girl I either like or ask out I get rejected and have yet to of even been on a date yet despite being twenty-two years old.

Of course at this point several hours passed since my Spanish Tutor showed up, I got home, ate supper, typed up these few words, and ultimately will stop right now to watch Gintama before hopefully come back to this to talk a little more since I was right and this was therapeutic.

Back to what I was getting at the next day, the last few years as I said have been similar. Now that I give it some thought the last time I really felt like this was over a year ago. I was unsure with the direction I was heading in my life. Writing about it did help. Although I was a little confused and questioned what was going on and what I should do, life seemed to quickly change.

My grandmother passed away that same month. It was due to three types of cancer. Again writing about it did help. The loss of her made me get away from what I was uncertain about. The following month my grandfather passed way, heart attack. It was almost right down to an hour a month after my grandmother passed away. I sort of viewed it that he loved her so much he just wanted to see her again so his heart just broke. I still miss the two very much. It is still weird all this time without them.

The following months evolved me living on my own, at my grandparents place. Someone had to since the insurance was still going on. My older cousins all had places of their own. I being the oldest who does not live on their own, and close by had to live there. It was nice. Weird since it was just me, but I never really felt alone. School if I am alone it bothers me. If I am home alone it does not. It is really weird.

It could be my isolation from people who I can have a conversation with in person. Although I do love having comments, and talking to people on twitter, it is really fun and I like it. Deviantart and Wattpad I do not get that like I do here and twitter, which is why I am stopping with Deviantart since no one comments. Wattpad I am contemplating on doing the same once I complete Volume 1 of Hero Team in Training, which is a more edited and final version compared to the one on Deviantart. I just want feedback to know if I am doing it right or to have a conversation about my story or what people think about it. It makes me worry about my novel I wish to publish.

I got a little side tracked and went to fix one thing and it turned into a whole paragraph, the next one was actually written before that last one.

I think the only thing that is different from this time last year, or any semester so far really comes down to a few things. How I go about liking a girl revolves around liking her mentally over physically. All girls are similar until there is something that clicks that makes me like them. The last few semesters I have found, and been rejected by a girl who this happens with. Last semester after another one of the situations, and easily the worst rejection, I wanted to just not try. I did, since my heart and mind had other plans. Ultimately I asked her out, and easily given the nicest rejection ever when I found out she was a lesbian. I was glad for the change of pace. (This is of course written after the post, but it turns out she is unlucky as well since we are club mates and she says guys keep asking her out even though they know she is a lesbian) This semester I really stuck by on not wanting to try. I would like to, but no girl really made that spark happen. So, perhaps there is where a part of this feeling is coming from. I always try to feel motivated to try to ask them out, I get nervous, my mind is more focused on what could be, this semester that is not there. There is no motivation from that.

Then there is anime, this season is rather odd. Last two really. I normally have one show I really get to look forward to and want to see the second that episode ends. That is sort of why I watch so much in order to give me something to do while I wait for the next big thing that I really want to see, Death Parade I started late and that was really one that I really looked forward to last season. This season has Fairy Tail finally canon again, and Fate Stay Night returns, yet I am not really looking so forward to them like I want to watch the next episode immediately. It is odd. At first anime was a means of enjoyment. Then it became a means to give me away to escape from thinking about what is going on around me and think about how other things can be different in my story. Now it is back to an enjoyment, but even then it is coming a little tricky. It is odd. I want to watch anime, but I am unable to find one where I really look forward to it like I used to that airs on a weekly basis. This might be due to it is still early in the season. Hopefully I will find one midway through. This also might be due to now I am reviewing and posting about anime and it is a major change in how a view anime as a whole now that I write about it.

There is also the fact that as I said my summer job is coming up. At this point, as in this morning it really felt like my mom nailed the final part into my coffin of actually having to work there. The people are nice. I get paid. I do not like how exhausted I feel, the fact I cannot feel like I am going to write, and yet it really gets me distracted from what I really want to do in just general. I either work on the paint line taking the same object off or putting the same object on or I work in shipping which is making boxes or putting the same object into a box. This goes on for eight hours forty hours a week. I wake up at four in the morning and do not get home until after four. Working there really got me to know how my dad does it all. I also know just how much my dad does not want me to end up like how he is. He does a lot more around the house and does a lot at work too. So I will stop there for this subject.

I always view that something happens in April. Something seems to always happen. This year nothing seemed to happen. Change is something that can be odd. The only thing that can never change is the fact that there will be change. For me, when I try to make something change it feels as though I can never make it change. I apply for jobs, but do not get hired due to a lack of experience in retail. Half the time I can never find the courage to ask a girl out, and when I finally do, well I already explained that. Although it is better than getting the news before I ask them out, so the few times I did find the courage where better than the times where I got rejected before doing anything. Change never seems to come when I want to make it. The only thing that seems to change is small things. Sure I could argue that I starting this blog was a rather big one, but I do not know.

Again I am at a moment where I need to stop typing. I will find out either later tonight or even not for a few more days on Monday if there was a change.

It really feels like I am lacking something, be it motivation or something to look forward to.

So, umm, it is now the day prior to scheduling and posting this. In other words four days have passed since working on this. Personally I think it was just that time. So many months of pushing away my emotions just got to me and I got depressed, uncertain, and everything else. It would not be the first time this happened and it certainly will not be the last. Although I will admit what I wrote did hold truth to it. I did find it in a way relaxing and a way to to focus on my thoughts. Posting this I actually am hoping will be better for me, being able to respond to comments I always like be it good feedback or bad, so thank you. Maybe now that I am back to my typical cheery self I can start actually trying to focus on those problems one small step at a time. Sorry if what I wrote bothered anyone. Hopefully this will not happen again.

 


If you like what you read, well I mean you are probably a sadist since this was me talking about being depressed and if you enjoyed that, well never mind. Anyway I suggest you check out my other posts before you would think to follow me.

– Joe

 

Advertisements